Here is the non highlighted version
WALT: I am learning to write a Short Story
For this piece of writing I have focusing on my vocabulary and punctuation. I have been learning to: - use a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning (Year ⅞)
- use all basic punctuation independently and attempt more complex punctuation (eg semicolons, colons, parentheses) (Year 7/8)
The pieces of my writing that are highlighted green are where I have shown my vocabulary and punctuation goal
My Story...
A Huge Mystery
There once was a boy named Hugh Jmistry, a child prodigy who excelled at solving mysteries but no one hired him because of his age. One day he was finally hired to investigate a secret organization and the murders linked to the group. The murders took place in a near derelict town called Mirdur Biedarci, hidden by a mountain range and located underwater.
“Is this where you would like to go?” The taxi driver asked. Hugh replied with a yes and got out of the cab. The car drove away as Hugh walked into the hotel building, got a room and sighed at the look of the room. All there was, was a bed on the corner and a dresser on the opposite, with a telephone on top. He put his belongings into the dresser but jumped at the sound of the wailing telephone, and quickly rushed to pick it up.
“Hello Hugh, nice name by the way. I’m calling to tell you to get out of town, or someone will be investigating your murder next.” The fearsome voice threatened. “My name is Furybrood and I am the leader of The Revenants. I'm telling you again, leave town now!” Furybrood hung up and there was a long scary silence.
After what seemed to be hours, a maid came in and started to re-immaculate the bland and practically vacant room. She awkwardly dusted the dresser before she finally spoke.
“Furybrood sent me, leave town before dawn or there will be problems” She opened her mouth as if to blob again but quickly shut it before she could say a word.
“He has made that clear to me already” Hugh replied before darting out of the room before she could do anything else.
Coincidentally, a taxi showed up in the street at that same moment and Hugh quickly decided to get in before anyone else would.
“Where would you like to go?”The same taxi driver from before asked.
“Take me to the best restaurant in town” The taxi driver fixed his foot on the ignition and they sped off to a restaurant called “Hungry Hamb”
When they finally arrived, Hugh thanked the driver and walked into the beautifully decorated empty room and aromatic restaurant, he looked at the newly painted crimson red counter and the tall child behind it.
“Aren’t you too young to work?” Hugh asked the boy, whose according to the name tag was called Harry.
“There aren’t enough adults here anymore so I volunteered. So what would you like?” Harry replied.
“Your best meal. When I got here I saw glass above the town, what’s with that?” Hugh questioned.
“It’s the glass that separates the town from certain death. The glass is nearly broken from when the storm struck. That’s why most people left town, there isn’t much time left for Mirdur Biedarci.” There was an awkward silence until another customer came through the door.
“Hey Anita” Harry greeted. Anita paused for a few moments for a few moments and stared at Hugh before greeting Harry.
“Who’s this guy?” She asked at the end of her sentence.
“My name is Hugh Jmistry” Hugh quickly said before Harry and Anita started laughing.
“Nice name Hugh.” Anita laughed. “Mines Anita Diye and his is Harry Aap a.k.a Hurry Up. Anyway, why are you here?” Anita Diye asked once she calmed down.
“I was hired to investigate a murder and this guy called Furybrood” Both of their mouths were wide open now.
“He’s my uncle, I have all the evidence against him but no one will help me put him away for good. Come to my place and I can show you” Hugh nodded and followed the strange girl around the block towards the tall apartments buildings.
“Hey All Will Diye. I got my friends over” She laughed as she said it.
“Don’t call me that you know my name is Allister William Diye, named after my great great grandad, don’t make jokes.”
“Yeah I know” She sighed.
“His name is All Will Diye? Coincidental much.” He laughed once they got inside her room. Her room smelt like overused perfume and burnt cigarettes.
“Do you smoke?” Hugh asked, shocked.
Anita laughed. “Yeah I like to do it when I have nothing to do.” She gripped a cigarette and lit it. “Lets get to the point. Here is all the evidence.” She passed him a large dusty book that smelt like burnt paper. “I’ll be downstairs, I need to get a drink.”
There was a deafening scream from the floor below, Hugh had been skimming through the book before it happened. He dashed down the stairs but missed a few and stumbled down.
“Anita, Allister!” Hugh shouted before sprinting into the kitchen and inhaling a metallic scent, a scent that Hugh acknowledged as blood. Anita’s dead body lay on the tiled floor. He journeyed to the nearest telephone and called the police and ambulance. “We’re at…..” He stopped when he realized he didn’t know the address. Luckily he had called the police before to arrest Allister and they already knew who he was and where he lived. “It’s the police! Come out with your hands up!” A voice screeched through a megaphone. All came out with his hands up and yelled. “We’re all doomed. We’re all going to die in a few seconds!” The Policemen all looked at All in confusion. Suddenly a loud crash was heard and water rushed in from the sky. “What th….!” An alarmed Policeman yelled. The water rushed in from the side of the street in a flash and soon, the streets were no more, dead corpses lay above the swampy water and the town was silent.
The only movement in town was a woman by the name of Furybrood, or you could just recognise her as Anita Diye. She had rushed to the entrance of the town, where she cracked the glass and escaped. Little did she know she wasn’t the only one who survived…….
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